Turning Point

I used to think I'm smart. Someone who is capable of accomplishing great things. I was a smart student when I was young. I remembered I studied my PSLE on the eves of my actual exams and still managed to still get into a good sec school. Though I was often reprimanded for my laziness, my family had high expectations of me. I was never serious on my school work and though I was one of the lousier students in the 'reputable' schools, I have always managed to get away with last minute work. I would have to say that my results were good compared to the amount of effort I have put in.

Then I went on into the army. I was thin and wasn't fit at all when I entered BMT. My objective at BMT is to clear IPPT and SOC the first time I take the test. Failure to do so would mean that I would need to stay back on Sats or book in earlier on Suns to do remedial training and worse still, go through the entire tests again. After weeks of training and when the first test came, I managed to pass them during the first attempt. I was happy with just passing on the first try while many others had failed. Booking out earlier is just so important to me then. My mentality was 'Do it once, do it good'.

One or two weeks after the initial IPPT test, my company decided to conduct the second test for the failures. When the names of those who failed were called, I was super happy at the bottom of my heart, "Yes! Can go back bunk and slack!" When my platoon sergeant called my name, I was stunned. He told me that 3 of us who have got silver already were very closed to getting gold and that we were to try again. I remember out of the few stations like sit up, pull up, shuttle run, standing board jump and 2.4km run, i got all gold standard except for the 2.4km run. My running time then was 11min 30sec. I thought to myself, "How the hell am I going to reduce the timing to 9min 44 sec?" But being a 'good' soldier, when he asked me if I wanna retake, (There is no choice. He was just asking for the sake of asking) I could only say "Yes, Platoon Sergeant!" I swear I hated myself for not just passing at borderline then. Those who just passed gotta go back and rest.

I ended up taking the rest of all the IPPT tests at BMT. 10 min 40 sec, 10 min 05 sec, 9 min 50 sec. When I got post out, I was only a few seconds away from getting gold. And I am still silver.

The rest of my army life was all 'fairy tale'. Being posted to OCS, then to 1 Guards. I was proud of myself.

Then came University and the turning point of my life. I was getting too complacent and then life decided to teach me a harsh lesson. I'm not that good, as least not as good as what I thought I was. I wasn't a good friend, wasn't a good boyfriend, wasn't a good son, wasn't a good brother and I was such a failure.

During the 2nd and 3rd year of my NTU life, I started failing my modules. I often say its because I wasn't interested in the course but the key lies in my laziness. Some people hated the course too, but can still manage the work. I seldom went home from then on. Everyday I would just hide in the small hostel room and indulge myself on games. Every month I would just go back home for dinner on 2 or 3 weekends.

You reap what you sow. As expected, I underperformed and was eventually 'kicked' out by the school.

I find myself all alone suddenly. I felt lost, hopelessly lost. I didn't know how to tell my family. I lived each day in hall suffering, going through all the possible choices and options I could choose. The easiest way out would be just appeal back to school silently and just get the crisis over and done with, without my family knowing. I sank into depression. I have seen my school principle and she advised me to go home and discuss the matter with my family.

Later that same evening, I received a call from my brother. They found out about my situation because the school had sent a letter notifying my parents about my case. I was expecting a good scolding from my brother but he simply said "Come home on Friday. Lets talk about it."

My elder sister started messaging me the next day, telling me everything would just be fine and if I wanted to appeal back to school. I told her even if I appealed, I would probably end up failing again. I chose to leave without appealing after my sister reassured me money would not be an issue.

The next day, my elder sister picked me up from hall and went with me to UniSim and Stansfield College to check out the various courses. I chose to enrol in Stansfield, taking up BSc Economics and Finance. I went home for the first time in weeks, ready to face the rest of my family.

I only found out days later that my sister took M.C. that day from school because she cried her eyes swollen when she knew about my expellsion. I cried.

Not long after that, I moved out of Hall 2 to my sister's place. I started my school in Stansfield on 2nd July. I went back occasionally back to Hall to still help up with the upcoming Orientation Camp and also slowly breaking the news to some of the committee members. Just wanna say how much I owe them for not being able to commit for these period, especially during Main Comm Recce and Seniors Camp. Many thanks for their understanding.

Despite my mother's constant reminder for me to get a job, I am having difficulty finding one. (I promised her I will start finding after the camp) Reason being I can only work whole day on Fri, Sat and Sun. From Mon to Thurs I need to find jobs that require me only at night. Thats assuming I could keep up with my school work, which is becoming more demanding by each week.

On a brighter note, I am definitely happier now. I am really enjoying studying now with my new friends at Stansfield. I have never been so studious in my whole entire life!

At home, I am the floor I.C. I vacuum and mop the floor every week. (sometimes with the help of Juan) And when my sister told me that they are having trouble paying off the electrical and water bills, I started sleeping without air-con and bathe without turning the water heater on. I do my own laundry and skip ironing my clothes as they are too much of a hassle. I am really trying to be more independent and not to cause more troubles for my family.

I knew that I have to be more independent. By the time I finish this course, I would be a 27 year old, with no work experience. Time is against me. I can only blame myself for this delay.

Juan is the innocent victim of my mistake. If there is any possibility of us getting married, she would have to wait 3 years for me to finish studying and a good 2 years at least for me to build up a stable career.


Who am I to ask a girl to wait for me till she's old for my mistake?